Is it possible to feel elated while deflated? I traveled to Fort Collins Tuesday for an oncology appt and got the results of the genetic testing and am super thrilled that I am not a carrier in any of the multitude of cancers they tested me for. Greatly relieved and elated for my girls. They are still at risk but not nearly as much so if I had. Even identified as a carrier. A true Thank You Jesus.
The genetic results of course don't really mean much for me but it isn't always about me is it? What is about me is the fact that my symptoms (cough, hoarseness, felt breathing, headaches etc) aren't any better. They seemed to be for about a week but have returned which is mind boggling to my doctor. She ordered a CT scan and the results showed that the tumor is stable. Results of lymph nodes are inconclusive. That was the deflation part for me. Stable is definitely better than growth but I'm being honest here and what I really hoped to hear was shrinkage. I'm also a little bummed (ok - sticking with the honesty - greatly bummed) when I was informed that the hoarseness may never go away because of vocal cord nerve damage. Not something that someone who likes to teach, preach, lead small groups, etc wants to hear. Time for a complete career change? Sign language? Become a hermit? Yup - I'm bummed.
So for now I stay on the Femara since I am tolerating it well and it has kept the tumor stable, to be rechecked in November with a comparison CT scan. In the meantime I'm to see a pulmonologist for help with the symptoms. Another doctor and more tests. Yup - have I mentioned I'm bummed? 😯
But even in the midst of the deflation I still cling to hope. Hope for the clouds to shift and the sun to shine again. Holding on for the long haul.
