So much in life hinges on your attitude. Nothing new right? Positive attitude receives positive outcome. Again, right? Yet there is an incredibly fine balance between the Pollyanna attitude and the dark cloud attitude. Glass half full vs. glass half empty. Authenticity requires the scales of positivity to come to rest somewhere in between.
Admittedly, I fall closer on the glass half empty spectrum. Have since day one and most likely will till I take my last breath. Simply how I am wired. Of course this doesn't mean I can't overcome (or at least be consciously aware) of the tendency to lean toward the negative. Years ago I learned the power of being real which can be construed as being negative. Authenticity draws people into your circle and deep friendships are formed. I have also learned that not everyone can handle authenticity.
Cancer once again reminds me of these facts. When I am asked how I am doing I have to make a quick assessment; Can the one asking handle my honesty? How much do they want to know? Are they simply being polite? If I answer in complete authenticity will I be accused of being that glass half empty gal again? It isn't always easy to discern how much to share.
Some are afraid to ask how I am because they don't want to upset me or are fearful I am tired of being asked that time and again. I understand that is a fine balance as well and often hard to discern. But I suggest you take the chance and ask, if you truly want to know, and be prepared for either a short answer (good day) or a long involved answer (bad day). If by chance you don't have time for the long answer then simply let me know you are thinking about me. No need to ask how I am.
So, how am I? Still the standard short answer finds its way put of my mouth; "Good days and bad days". The authentic, long answer is this; I enjoyed eight weeks practically symptom free (no cough, no headaches, lots of energy, etc.) though depression still visited every now and again (the glass half empty syndrome) and life was pretty enjoyable. Recently my symptoms have returned bringing some new ones on board. Not only is this frustrating it is also a tad scary. Since I wasn't scheduled to see my doc till Nov. 15 I had to break down and call to speak to the nurse. After our phone visit it was determined that the doc would want to see me sooner than later. So we scheduled an appointment for this coming Friday (9/26) as I had plans to be in Fort Collins. In the meantime, I am to use cough syrup with codeine to control the cough. Both events, calling the doc and using the cough syrup were hard for me. Why on earth you ask? This again is how I am wired. I see both as failures to operate on my own. A giving in or giving up instead of fighting. You may think this is insane but I'm simply being authentic with my feelings. My thinking is also wanting to fight against reality. When I see the doc and add a med the reality of cancer rears it's ugly head.
So, how am I? Still holding on but today the rope feels rather slippery.
Disclaimer: That isn't a negative comment, rather it's an authentic statement that has Pollyanna holding an umbrella.
