"Tomorrow will be a better day". "Just wait till tomorrow, I'm certain it will be better". "Tomorrow is another day". Do you ever get tired of waiting for tomorrow especially when tomorrow arrives and forgets to bring "better" with it? I can say with certainty that April has taught me at least one very important lesson; I am NOT a patient person and often I lose my faith in "tomorrow".
Last month I wrote about trying again tomorrow - that was way before I had much interaction with tomorrow and when I still had great hope for the all allusive "tomorrow". Sometimes I feel like "tomorrow" is pretty Polly Annaish if you know what I mean.
Even doctors can carry the Polly Anna concept of "tomorrow" a bit too far. That is what I appreciated most about my radiologist. He told it like it was - didn't hide anything going in to radiation - didn't scare me to death either. As I began to struggle with swallowing and eating and the pain of a burned esophagus he was pretty straight forward apologizing for the pain I was going through and cautioning me that unfortunately it will only get worse before it gets better. No brighter sun in the immediate tomorrow BUT it would get better, after it got worse.
So that was the month of April for me - knowing that my direct "tomorrow" would be worse than "yesterday". And boy howdy, he was not kidding! "Tomorrow" only did get worse but the pain in my upper back/neck, shoulders, arms and elbows did disappear. The initial symptoms all but disappeared. Or were they simply overshadowed by the new pain in my throat/esophagus? Pain displacement? No, the old pain was actually gone! The goal behind radiation was to manage symptoms and that was exactly what was taking place - cure was not in the cards but symptom management was.
Radiation is known as the gift that keeps on giving. Meaning even after treatments are complete (10 days for me) the radiation continues to work in the area for two weeks or more - that is why
tomorrow isn't always better. May take many tomorrows to see improvement and I proved to be just
that case! Three weeks after treatments were done I finally was able to take sips of water and eat non puréed foods once again. I now can say I truly understand what it is to be hungry as I dreamed about food, even beginning to look at the off white, yellow and red waste containers in the infusion room as mayo, mustard and ketchup! Now THAT friends, is pure hunger!!
In another sense it feels like April went by in a flash. I feel like I once again missed spring in Grand Junction as I spent my days either hooked up to saline for nearly daily hydration (one tends toward dehydration when one can't swallow - even their own saliva!), being lethargic or sleeping off the pain meds? Swallowing lidocaine is not fun but sometimes necessary just so you can swallow a pain pill. Then it was decided my pain meds needed to be in liquid form (you should see my drug drawer - I have quite the selection). Every time I look at my pills I am reminded how thankful I am for insurance and humbled that there are many in this world who can't afford the selection of meds I buy and discard. That must be the silver lining in the clouds of tomorrow.
So, radiation is done, my swallowing is nearly, not quite, but nearly normal and I am done with
steroids and cutting back on my pain meds. Now what? My goal was to be travel worthy, meaning I didn't want to be tethered to chemo IV infusion. I have a "grand-baby to be" on the horizon that I MUST get back to Boston to see. In order to do that I agreed to try a relatively new (FDA approved, newly released in past two years for public use) oral chemo drug called Ibrance. It is taken in conjunction with Femara - an estrogen blocker. I took Femara as my very first drug when I began this journey and it didn't work for me however when combined with this new drug that passed trials with flying colors it is supposed to provide remarkable results. "Tomorrow of course". I have now been on this oral chemo since Monday - had to wait a week longer than we wanted to begin just simply because I was not able to swallow the capsule and I needed to regain some strength and weight before I got knocked down again. This is a drug that requires weekly blood monitoring but I can do that anywhere so my goal is to fly to Boston May 14 to begin a new Nana role with grandbaby #6. (Will you please pray that this grandbaby cooperates and waits for Nana to arrive - though we do want a
healthy and safe delivery).
Having goals is a great way to approach "tomorrow. Taking a sip of water, walking 1/2 way around
the block, drinking a full glass of water, making it completely around the block, booking a flight to Boston...
Tomorrow WILL be a brighter day, even if it rains, not because of anything I might do but because we know who the author of tomorrow is. Keep reminding yourself of that. Much better reminder than simply saying "tomorrow" will be better because it always isn't true. But it is true to say that God has "tomorrow" under control.
