"TEST" - my new four letter word.

As a kid growing up the very mention of an upcoming test through me into a panic. Especially the Weekly Reader Tests. I detested those things! I even remember very vividly on one occasion in early grade school breaking my pencil (on purpose and entirely in half mind you) thinking that would get me out of having to take the test. Little did I realize that the teacher kept an extra supply of No. 2 pencils for just such a purpose.

Several months later and yet another upcoming Weekly Reader Test (maybe that is why to this day I'm not a real fan of newspapers - just something about that newspaper feel and smell of ink) I was ill and could not go to school. This pattern continued on Fridays for awhile until my mother got wise to my sudden illnesses and drove me to school to speak with the principle. They put two and two together and suddenly my illness was diagnosed as dreading the "TEST". Such a strange child. I always passed those, and other tests, with flying colors yet still dreaded the days, hours and moments leading up to the "TEST".

Not much changed in the years following through Junior High, High School and College. Heck, even during my Master's Program the idea of taking a test was nerve wracking. But now I would give anything to endure those silly exams in exchange for the current exams -"TEST" - that loom large in front of me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am ever grateful for medical advances that allow us to quickly and early make diagnoses preventing even harsher results. I just have to admit that I am not as brave as most people are assuming.  Nor am I as calm and collected as I might appear to the untrained eye when seen in public.

You see, the mere mention of the word "TEST" still sends quivers through my soul, elevates my typically low blood pressure and causes me to overheat. Today, the dreaded tests are medical and it seems that one simply leads to another. I have been injected with numerous amounts of dye contrast, swallowed cups of barium cocktails, slid onto cold tables and ridden through strange and loud machines, been X-ray zapped, poked, prodded and thumped, scoped and what have you. All in the name of "TEST". Only this past week did it dawn on me that "TEST" is a four letter word. And that it is entirely possible to dread and dislike things are that good and helpful in the long run for you.

The Bible has much to say about tests - consider them pure joy, they lead to stronger faith, grant patience etc. My favorite test Scripture right now warns us not to test God (Deut. 6:15) - see even God doesn't like tests! And then Matthew 4 when Jesus was put to the test. I gain comfort in knowing that even Jesus faced tests yet triumphed.

Yes, it is entirely possible to dread that which is for your good and in the end come away with flying colors.

In the meantime as "TEST" is my new four letter word and I wait for flying colors I will:

Cast all my cares (fears, anxieties and TESTS) on Him, because He cares for me.  I Peter 5:7

Breathe

There are over 5903 songs with the word breath/breathe in the lyrics. The term breath can be a physical, medical or spiritual term. There are at least 82 references to breath in the Bible.  The average adult takes 12-20 breaths a minute and does nothing consciously to make this happen. Meaningless facts? Depends.

Are you aware of the breaths you take and expel every minute or more? I wasn't until recently. Very recently actually.  The past few days I have become acutely aware of the effort it takes to breath, where before it was an natural response to a brain command now I am keenly in tune with the rise and fall of my chest. What I once took for granted (really not giving a thought about) now has become almost an obsession. At night I will lay awake feeling the air come in through my nose and exit the same yet I swear I can feel the path it takes as it enters, moves through my lungs and exits only to begin again. Often this pattern is interrupted with a cough. Sometimes slight and other times wracking. Know the phrase "pop a lung" when referred to a coughing fit?  I now fully understand the term. While this is far from a fun journey it certainly has been eye opening as I pay more attention to the way my body is uniquely created. Certainly not to be taken for granted.

I also am intrigued by songs that speak to breathing. Breathe On Me Breath of God, This Is The Air I Breathe, Your Are My God, Breathing the Breath, etc. Breathing is fascinating both in song and body.

While I believe wholeheartedly in scientific advances and all that medical science has been able to do in all realms of life I know that the undergirding factor is the master Master Scientist  and Great Physician without whom no advances would exist at all. The very One who breathed life into mankind from the beginning and continues to do so today.

So as you take your next breath be thankful for the ability to do so, the master design and the One who holds it all in balance.


The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of God gives me life. Job 33:4

Backing Up...

Posting about my 'disease' was one of the most difficult things I've ever done and I wanted to keep it short and simple - long story short. However, I realize in the making of a short story some vital information was left out that could possibly be of benefit to another down the road so bear with me as I back up and create the longer version of 'my story'.

The past couple of years have been what I would term stellar years. I felt the healthiest ever, biking nearly 50 miles a week, swimming, walking, hiking.  In addition I was traveling a lot, enjoying the kids and being Nana, falling in love with Uganda, teaching the Bible, embracing a new calling to the ministry of "grief" and finding a special niche in bereavement volunteer work for a local hospice. All was more than swell. While vacationing in San Juan I thought I had gotten a sinus infection so made an appointment to see my GP upon my return. Was put on an antibiotic for ten days. Nothing was better so I marched back to the doc now with a dry cough and complaining of shortness of breath. (I had noticed while pushing the kiddos in a double stroller -70 lbs -to the park I was winded).  Chalked the shortness of breath up to being out of shape as the long winter and travel had precluded my normal activities for several months. Then one night I had a weird sensation in my left arm - which came and went several times and now I was experiencing spikey headaches that were debilitating first thing in the morning and in the afternoon after any activity.  Back to the doc - starting to feel like a hypochondriac.

This time a brain MRI was ordered for the headaches and all the other symptoms - raw throat, dry cough, hoarseness and arm pain (radiating from my left scapula) were chalked up to GERD (acid reflux).  Weird as. I had never experienced heartburn but I was told there was such a thing as silent reflux. So was put on meds for that. Several weeks later nothing was better and as a matter of fact I felt worse so I went back yet again only to be told I needed to be patient and let the GERD meds work.  Fine.  (Yeah right, me patient). We were now at about six weeks from initial onset of symptoms.

Sunday afternoon, April 27, Tim and I were returning from a visit to Fort Collins. I was sleeping and as we reached the 11,600 ft Vail pass I suddenly woke up with chest pains and shortness of breath. As we dropped in elevation the pain lessened but I had a nagging that would not go away. Something was not right. So after returning home and getting some things done around the house I decided I needed to go to ER fearing heart problems.

Multiple tests later I was told my heart was healthy BUT there was a spot on my lung. Needless to say we were shocked. Then my GP came in to admit me for further tests saying she was sorry about the lung cancer. Whoa! Hold on there doc!  Did you say "lung cancer"?  The spot had now evolved into cancer. I asked, "so, they know it is cancer?" To which she replied, looking stricken, "I thought you knew". Nope.

I was admitted to await a lung biopsy in the morning. Now let's go long story short. What should have been ab overnight stay turned into 3 1/2 days stay because in doing the lung biopsy my lung was nicked and I developed a pneumothorax which required a chest tube which required 3 days to heal.
That stay was pretty much a blur as I was in shock about the cancer but soon discovered it was not lung cancer but a breast metastasis presenting itself in my lungs (yup both) and chest between the lungs. Because it was a metastasis of a primary cancer I was stage IV.  Enter more shock and disbelief.

May 1st I was released from the hospital (10 X-rays, 2 CT scans, echo cardio gram, EKG, multiple blood draws etc etc later) and put on Femara, an estrogen blocker to try to shrink the tumors as they are inoperable. This will be the first line of treatment.

I saw oncologists here in GJ and then sought a second opinion in Ft Collins and have decided to seek treatment with the doc in FC. She is well schooled, specializing in breast metastasis and of all the docs has given me more hope by telling me that I need to look at this situation as merely a chronic illness much like diabetes that can and will be managed. She said her job is to keep me alive till a cure can be found. I love her outlook! She helps me in the "holding on"!


June 19 I will be seeing a specialist at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, leaving no stone unturned.

So, how can my story possibly be used to benefit another?  One doc reminded me that being a breast cancer survivor does not mean I should put it out of my mind. Of course that is just what I thought being nearly 16 years out from original diagnosis.  I should not let it rule my life yet I must always have in the forefront of my mind the possibility of recurrence. A chronic cough, shortness of breath and hoarseness are good indicators of metastasis to the lung. Bone and joint pain could mean metastasis to the bone. Headaches could indicate brain metastasis. (My MRI was clear and my PET scan showed no bone or liver metastasis. Thank You Jesus!)  Learn what else to look for.

Be aware. Be diligent. Be pushy. Be your own advocate. Doctors are not God after all. They are just like you and me. We each have our own areas of expertise. Their's just happens to be medicine. But you know your body.  Don't be afraid of having the outside of your medical file marked PITA (pain in the ass). I know my file is marked in bright red letters.  And I'm proud of it!

PITA - the one "Holding On"!