Many times I have shared in my posts the way in which a song will speak to my heart. Danny Gokey's latest hit, Tell Your Heart To Beat Again, reached out and seized my soul. The story behind the song comes from a pastor who had the privilege of sitting in on a heart surgery. The surgery went like clockwork, a textbook procedure yet the heart refused to beat regardless of what the surgeon did. The pastor then saw the surgeon bend down and whisper in the ear of the patient, "Ma'am, you need to tell your heart to beat again". That simple sentence is what grabbed my heart. The medical field does not have the final say in our recovery. It seems that as the patient, we are responsible for moving forward into healing, in the shadow of God's grace.
Whether healing from tragedy, disappointment, grief, illness, loss or disease, we are responsible to take that first step forward. Stepping forward often requires closing a door, looking straight ahead, never back again. As part of the chorus to Gokey's song reminds us;
Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been.
Tell your heart to beat again.
My greatest struggle in this cancer journey has been saying goodbye to where I have been. I don't want to put away yesterday. I enjoyed what I did, my work, my play, my travel. Yet, it seems that is what I am being called to do.
In January, I was soooo looking forward to my drug holiday! Such anticipation for what that could mean. I think I fully intended to grab ahold of my old life and walk backwards into yesterday. Silly me. My expectations were too great. I tried to manipulate too much. Not being tethered to days off chemo and bloodwork were nice, but came with a price. I thoroughly enjoyed traveling to Boston, Eastern side of the Rockies, Salt Lake and Idaho to celebrate birthdays, births and visit family and grand kids. I packed a lot in to the month of February. But, as I said, it came with a price. Some of my cancer symptoms that had diminished or disappeared have returned, I have renewed aches and pains and my voice once again isn't as strong as it once was. But, I was in control.
So, what is the lesson in this for me? Yes, I was in control. I said no to chemo for a month. I saw loved ones. But I unequivocally did not see yesterday. The door has been closed to that. I need to understand that certain things will just be different from here on out. My energy level may never be the same again. My voice may never be strong enough for me to deliver a full sermon or serve as a retreat speaker ever again. No longer will I be able to volunteer for hospice bereavement calling services. My days of long mileage bike rides and hikes just might be over. So, I need to say goodbye to where I've been AND tell my heart to beat again. Beat again for new endeavors, volunteer opportunities and outdoor pleasures. Be in control of the next phase, the "new phase" of life. I don't know what that will look like but God does. I just need to remind myself of that daily - I don't know but God does. That is what it looks like to live in the shadow of His grace.
Yesterday's a closing door, I don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where I've been.
Tell my heart to beat again.
"Heart - beat again".
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again
Danny Gokey
The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor
Words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never going to get back to the you you used to be.
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Beginning just let that word wash over you
It's alright now, love's healing hands will pull you through
So take one step, look back up
See the rise and feel the sun
Because your stories far from over and your journey's just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat againLet every heartbreak and every scar
Be a picture to remind you, who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
This moment He is working everything out for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
