Have you ever been in a situation where things are marching along pretty smoothly when all of a sudden you can really no longer enjoy the march forward and suddenly you are waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or suddenly it dawns on you that the either you are in the middle of a teaser or a tester. Really rather impossible to enjoy the moment for what it simply is as you begin to over analyze.
I found myself here most recently at the end of five plus fantastic days - five days proceeding one right after the other mind you with absolutely no questionable breaks in between. This phenomenon started a week after I had been knocked down (bowled over and stomped on) by the flu. The FLU of all things. Does it not know there are enough chemicals in my body to do away with the most unsuspecting virus or bacteria? Apparently not and it had it's way
with me. Ugh.
Anyway, recuperating from the flu (and knocking my chemo schedule for a loop giving me an off week one day before I was due - shortening cycle 2 to simply 2 sets of chemo) found me with boundless energy that morphed into five beautiful days of basic symptom free living. I was flying high! Seriously, and soon discovered exactly why. Since the flu had dehydrated me so badly I needed to go in for hydration - two days in a row. With hydration one is is given steroids. Know nothing about steroids? I didn't until I was reading one evening shortly there after and oh my gosh! I was on a steroid high (about 2am) and would soon experience a steroid crash. Why had I not been warned? Yup, Wednesday presented itself with a bang and I definitely experienced the crash for about two more days. Basically one feels like you have been hit by a school bus with all the children jumping on you as they exit! Toward Saturday evening I started to perk up and even contemplated attending church - gasp!
Sunday dawns bright and early and I gingerly make my way out of bed. No pain, no nausea - wow. So we had a leisurely morning then headed out to the 11:00 am service. Tried to sneak into the back but hard to sneak when the pastor reads a prayer request stating how good it is to see me in church (love my supportive church family - they rock! Brought a few tears to my eyes). After worship collected multiple hugs and hand shakes while I tried to turn my head away from possible germs. Headed out with a handful of handsanitizer. I really do need a large button that says "I love you- thanks for the fist bump instead of the hug". But seriously without these people's love and prayers I would not be here today.
Anyway, after church I am up for brunch so we head off to our favorite brunch spot complete with outdoor seating - clean breathing air for the most part. What a glorious start to five days of normal living! Not just intermittent, sporadic moments in between bouts of nausea or back pain but real, honest to goodness five gifted days.
Sure Monday follows Sunday and Monday means chemo but I was incredibly chipper. Cracking jokes with the gal accessing my port - cheering my port on to produce blood while I go through gynmanstics to find that sweet spot the port likes and then becomes willing to produce some blood - joking with the chemo nurses who gown and double glove up to administer the poison they are dumping in my body. (Think about that!). Loaded with poison I decided to give book club a try which I have not participated in for at least four if not five months. A friend graciously drove me. Baby steps!
Then Tuesday dawns bright and early thanks to steroids I zip around the house, making plans for the day which will include some crocheting, reading, coloring (yup I have know taken up adult coloring - great stress relief!) then head out to work driving by myself. First time I have stepped back into work since the beginning of May. Didn't stay long but got a lot accomplished and from there visited with a friend going through the same journey. There is comfort in numbers! That night I even dropped in on GriefShare - a group I started three yrs ago and had to pull back from last April but very near and dear to my heart and look forward to the day of returning full time. Needless to say I slept well Tuesday night.
Wednesday I hit the grocery store, SAM's club, and Walgreens fir some much needed shopping and leisurely trips up and down aisle. While in SAM's I began to feel my energy fade so grabbed a snack and headed home. Time to take it easy so I decided to organize the grandkids Advent gifts and readied them for wrapping. Then I colored.
Thursday I could feel a small shift in symptoms but not too much so I worked around the house for a bit doing things I haven't done in ages and then had a meeting with my pastor where it was determined because of the hot bed a church can be for germs, and I am not quite ready to retire, I have been granted the privilege of working at home as much as possible. What a blessing though I miss people interaction. I have had small meetings at home. The rest of the afternoon was spent getting a manicure, makeup guide and massaging shampoo for my thinning hair. Heaven! The massage NOT the thinning hair!! That night I took Tim to dinner using a gift certificate we were blessed with. Maybe a little over the top day.
Friday I had the privilege of meeting a dear friend for lunch - though appetite was beginning to
wane and I feared my streak was over. Went to the post office and then home for more coloring.
Laid low Sat, attended a marching band parade, leisurely working in the yard, until I spied my bike and begged for the tires to be pumped up. And then I did the ultimate. I RODE MY BIKE! Only a little over a mile and I paid later but oh the pure joy! Later we were seen going for our nightly walk around the neighborhood then I began to pay for my fun. Had to go to bed with heat, pain pills and Tylenol with max leg and back pain but finally slept.
Woke up Sunday ready to do church since I was feeling better. Little queasy but it was after all Color Sunday on the Grande Mesa and we couldn't miss a drive in the mini for good measure!
So, teaser or tester. Am I being teased with bettering health or being tested to know my limits and when to say enough? No scans are ordered yet to determine the condition of the cancer but as I like to remind mysel, prayer and scripture is a mighty force. I have been privileged to be anointed for healing, had worship brought to me and over and over reminded on a daily basis that I am loved.
The giant baskets of get well cards and thinking of you cards attests to being loved. Yet God's Word also reminds me daily that I am loved. So teasing or testing? I don't know but I pray I can come through both with flying colors!
And just what keeps me motivated to move on and through? Certainly the well wishes and God's assurance but this quote from Donna Mendenhall's' "Living Not Dying With Incurable Cancer - Making Each Day Count"
"We can get through the trying times because we have days/weekends that are times of celebration and memory making, when the whole family comes together interspersed throughout."
And
"This may shock you but I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me, or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. The attitude I choose keeps me going or cripples my progress. When my attitudes are right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep".
And I might add no teaser or test too great.
