"Failed" is not a word in a type A's vocabulary. At least it isn't a favorable word. As a kid the notion of failing anything made me quiver. Even as an adult my competitive edge makes failing at anything a deal breaker. So to be told that my current chemo drug has failed (equating in my mind that I have failed) is rather disheartening.
Wednesday I had my three month CT scan to check on the cancer status, see if taxol was doing its job, etc etc. Today I got an early morning call stating that my doctor wanted to see me at noon. Uh oh, this can't be good. This doc is impossible to get in to. Long story short, the news wasn't good. Now it wasn't all bad and we started with that first. The cancer in the mediastinum has gotten much better, involved lymph nodes have disappeared and the original tumor is still at a small, stable size. The bad news is that the disease is definitely progressing with bony mets. I have multiple new spots along my spine and other areas. The cancer has even caused a blood clot in my groin that is worrisome and will require daily shots to control.
Yup, daily shots that I will have to learn to give to myself. Joy upon joy.
No more taxol but we aren't finished with chemo yet. There is a huge list of drugs available to continue to try. This regimen will be a new chemo once every three weeks and an intravenous bone strengthener once a month in addition to those daily shots. In the meantime my doc will collaborate with Huntsman Cancer Institute in SLC for treatment agreement and to check on possibilities of trials I might qualify for.
Doc has ordered an X-ray of my right leg to check out some pain I have been having as well as an
MRI of my spine to make certain the cancer isn't encroaching on my spinal chord. If so, radiation will be in order.
My state of mind today was less than superior. Pretty bummed actually. I had put all my hopes in getting through the taxol cycle and then having months of freedom from treatment, living a semi normal life, but those hopes have been dashed. The fight continues.
I am reminded that last month I wrote about attitude and such being a choice. So, I can choose to remain bummed, defeated and operate as a failure or I can give myself a day of "mourning" and then come back swinging. I choose the later.
A friend gave me a beautiful necklace that simply states "Love the life you live". A beautiful sentiment. Maybe more accurate would be, "Love the life you've been given", much like "Bloom where you are planted". For whatever reason, this is the life that God wants me to live and I will live it with full abandon (allowing myself a down day every now and again) and I will not be marked "failed". There is too much "loving of this living" yet to be done.
