No one really quite understands normal until they move out of the realm of normal. In my work with those who are grieving we are always talking about a "new normal". Easy to pontificate upon when you aren't the one going through the experience. Undoubtably that has been the biggest lesson learned as well as the most challenging learning curve for me these past 9 months. Yet really, what is normal?
Last week I had the distinct pleasure of experiencing "normal" for two hours! I met a friend for tea one afternoon to simply catch up. We had a great time of connecting; sharing our holiday experiences, talking about family, pets and just about everything under the sun. A fabulous two hours. As I was driving home it dawned on me that not once, no not once!, was my health mentioned. What an exhilarating feeling. Did this mean my friend wasn't concerned? Not at all. Many times in the past nine months she has reached out, asked after me and let me know she was praying for me. What a precious gift she gave me - two hours of simply being me. I didn't have to try to explain how some days are good while others are bad. I didn't have to explain that sometimes the outside covers up what is going on inside. Or the light of day looks different than the dark of night. I simply got to laugh and talk and laugh some more. And you know what? My voice was strong for two solid hours! I don't even remember coughing. I was "normal"!
Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate those who ask after my health. I continue with my standard answer of good days and bad simply because it is really hard to explain how I am outside of sharing scan and other test results but honestly I feel like the good days are beginning to outshine the bad.
In the past month I have had several more tests and doctor appts to try to figure out the night time emesis (fancy for vomit). The results? Everything is normal! (Yup-that word again) - no tummy ulcers, tumors, hernias, no allergies or asthma. My esophagus is great, my nasal passages are wonderful. All is great yet something is still off and it may not even have to to with the cancer. I'm normal yet I'm not. (Bet I could say that about you, too!) So, the investigation continues.
My next scan and blood work is scheduled for Feb 13. In the meantime I'm going to try to embrace my new normal (once I discover what that really is) and live life to the fullest. As a matter of fact I'm heading to blizzard country tomorrow to help celebrate Abigail's first birthday. Life can't get more normal than that!
