Many might think that my biggest fear since receiving my metastasis diagnosis might be the fear of dying. Actually, death does not grip me in fear. The process of dying might be close in the running but not so much. I quickly realized that my greatest fears are missing out on life (seeing my kids grab hold of life as adults, watching my grandchildren grow up and growing old with my husband while exploring what this world has to offer), not being needed (kids growing up!) and fear of not being known. (That last one requires a bit of an explanation that we can share sometime one on one if you'd like - I admit it isn't a pretty fear. Seems rather self centered - then most fears might be just that).
My first two fears are at opposite ends of the spectrum, if I do indeed want to see my children grow into independent adults then fear #2 is realized - not being needed. Yet motherhood is only one way in which a person can be needed. And quite honestly, since my own mother died 28 years ago I realize that while one can go on living without a mother there are certain things that are terribly missed when you are motherless, even as an adult.
Once we name our fears - give voice to them - it is easier then to allow faith to trump those fears. And grabbing on to faith requires more than a one time "I believe" sort of faith. Faith that trumps fear must be visited every day, often every hour, calling upon the strength of God to allow you to move forward through the fears of your days.
A most recent and newer fear is simply that of negative news. It seems that each time I have a test I receive more devastating news which makes faith a little tough to cling to. This past month brought times of discouragement as a PET scan revealed advancing disease meaning the medication I was currently on had "failed" - was no longer worker. It was also discovered that I had excess fluid in the pericardium of my heart that was compromising my heart function requiring surgery. Two weeks ago I underwent a pericardium window surgery where a hole (window) was cut in the pericardium allowing that fluid to drain out. Tough operation - hard for me recovery (I am a very impatient person and can't stand being inactive but fluid around the heart also makes it tough to be active). Did it work? Don't know. Won't know till Monday after a follow up X-ray and doc visit. Does it feel like it worked? I haven't seen a difference. :(. As for the advancing disease I am on a different aromatase inhibitor and will soon beging taking monthly shots for my bones while having monthly bloodwork done to check on the status of my levels. Fear of needles? Might be a new fear!
A year ago I was told my metastasis was manageable. Doesn't feel so manageable to me anymore but I guess we need to discuss the definition of manageable. The thing is faith is even bigger than the fear of being unmanageable. Thankfully God has placed many people in my life who are willing to have faith for me, remind me of that faith and be my "arm lifters" (Aaron and Hur held Moses arms up in battle - Exodus 17) thus allowing my fears to get an overwhelming trumping by faith.
Cancer is big yet God is bigger. Faith Trumps Fear each and every time. Take THAT fear!!
