How quickly a month can fly by. Feels like most of August was spent waiting for appointments and procedures to be scheduled so I could get on with life. So those days tended to drag but then before I knew it, it was the last of August and feels like a lot has happened and then yet again not much at all.
I had another scoping procedure on my espophagus performed due to increased inability to swallow. My medications were getting impossible to choke down and food was getting stuck so we needed to take a look at my esophagus. The scope revealed that the stricture that was last seen to be 1/2 inch was now down to only 1/8 inch opening. A typical esophagus is 3/4 in diameter. No wonder I am having difficulty swallowing. That isn't a very large opening but I have learned to compensate by picking my foods wisely and adhering to a mainly liquid diet. I will do anything at this point to avoid a feeding tube. As long as I am able to maintain my weight the doctor has agreed that we can wait.
Since swallowing medications is difficult I have had to convert all meds to either crushable or liquid forms. Some can be rather nasty but it is better than getting a pill stuck for hours waiting for it to dissolve before I can eat or adequately drink again. I will also start wearing a fentanyl patch that distributes a constant stream of pain med into my body.
It was also decided that I would return to intravenous chemo, trying a new one to see if my body would respond to this course of treatment. The cancer was continuing to hold the upper hand. This is my fifth type of chemo treatment. My first infusion was yesterday. I go in once a week for two weeks
with the third week off. That constitutes one cycle. We simply will be taking one cycle at a time to see how I respond.
The pleural effusions (fluid around the lungs) have increased - especially around my left lung so
while seeing the doctor today it was determined that I need to have that fluid tapped with the hope
that breathing will be easier - which also lends itself to better energy level.
Needless to say August has been a month of adjustments. Feeling the loss of eating favorite foods, giving up some favorite activities (like hot baths while wearing a pain patch), not being able to ride a bike or take long walks, simply having to choose daily activities wisely has been tough. I have a hard time living a limited life style. I want to hop on a plane and go visit my daughter and grandkids in
Boston or jump in the car and drive to Windsor or Salt Lake to see my son and his family or daughter and her's but I can't. It seems not too long ago I was able to do these things. Obviously I feel I still can, it is others that feel I can't or shouldn't. This is the conundrum between living a quality life or simply just existing. I want my life to be quality, not just waiting for the hands of the clock to make the twenty four hour sweep.
While thinking about this today I heard the phase "looking for the awesome" on K-Love. We may
want someone to cook us breakfast and that doesn't happen but there is cereal in the cupboard,
awesome! Or we may go to work and be assaulted by problems but when so many are unemployed we have a job, awesome! You get the idea. So do I. While I may not be able to eat chicken and steak I do have soup to enjoy while others go hungry. I may have a disease that is fighting for control of my body but I have medical interventions that others can't have. I may not be able to jump on a plane or into a car but I do have have technology that lets me stay in touch with those far away. These are all the "awesomes" in my life.
May you, too, find the "awesome" in your life!
