Sometimes events in life make it just plain impossible to continue holding on. And that people, is why God drew us in to relationship. Relationship not only with Him - the most profound relationship of eternity - but earthbound relationships as well. Human beings were designed for fellowship. That has been proven over and over to me in this bumpy cancer journey.
Just as my hands start to slide down the rope a team of friends will become my hands and hold on for me. Just as I begin to waver in my faith the mailman will deliver a cadre of cards wishing me well and conveying the fact that I am being prayed for on a daily basis. Or a friend or family member will send me a text or email. More often than not a simple picture of a twinkly eyed grandchild will appear on my phone screen and make the day more bearable.
Recently I have begun leaving my front door unlocked so caring friends can come and go without disturbing me if necessary or to come in and chat if they see I am not resting. Other friends appear in my yard to keep my flowerbeds enjoyable for me or fill the bird feeders. Some stop by the grocery or bring me tea or smoothies. Simple things that I used to be able to do but now find taxing. Even my associate pastor on a pastoral call left my home carting away my e-cycling that I have been wanting out of my hair but lacked the energy to take care of. Little things that drive my OCD mind crazy are understood by and taken care of by friends.
Just when I start to feel sorry for poor little me and isolated in my home God sends His messenger(s) in bodily form to remind me I am never isolated. I am loved and cherished even in the dark times. He even reminds me of that fact when my tender loving cat will gently climb aboard my diseased chest and rest, purring away in contentment. I like to think the "paws of Jesus" are then being lain on me for healing.
In past posts I have tried to remain upbeat and hopeful, playing down this disease but the truth is sometimes transparency is in order, as a dear friend lovingly reminded me. I refuse to say that cancer is winning, evil never triumps in God's world, but the disease is advancing. So we switch courses and choose another tactic. The oral anti-hormonals plan stopped working, allowing the cancer to spread throughout the mediastinum area of my chest (between my lungs, wrapping around my esophagus, etc), into my spine, rib and pelvis. The good news continues to be that the soft tissues (liver, pancreas, spleen) and brain remain clear. Praise God! Yet advancing cancer means an incapacitating lifestyle. One I do not welcome. I miss driving, biking, walks, even showering without fear of increased pain.
After consulting with Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt Lake City, it has been determined, and I have agreed, that I will start chemo treatments on Monday, August third. Yup, I always said I would never do chemo again - lesson learned - never say never! I will be doing once a week taxol treatments for three weeks, take a week off and repeat for a total of six cycles (six months). The goal to begin with is symptom management, trying to get my chest pain, shortness of breath, vomiting, headaches, etc under control. Along with symptom management we will pray for tumor shrinkage if not complete disease obliteration. Specific prayers then in addition to symptom management is for little to no resulting side effects from the chemo as it does it's work on the cancer cells.
A friend prayed with me today asking that I be allowed to "rest in the holy hammock of Jesus". I love that imagery. When life is causing motion sickness swing restfully in His presence. I like to envision that my "holy hammock" is at least a double as a trusted friend curls up with me or my grand babies snuggle in love. I can also see those steadfast friends firmly holding the hammock ends while I sway in His Holy arms.
Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of relationships. May I NEVER take that privelege lightly or for granted. And along the way may I be given opportunities to be a holy hammock bearer for another.
3 comments:
Many years have passed without contact from high school friends, but the recent plans for a reunion have reconnected me to many. I wil pray for you and make those prayers specific to the things you have shared. God certainly does call us to relationships and in the midst of your fight you have blessed me with that reminder that God designed each of us and holds us through the very worst of times. When we can't think of the right words to express our care and concern, we can pray. I will pray for you, your family, your doctors and your ministry.
Today as I was driving home from work, I could not get you off my mind. I was prompted to pray and ask God to hold you up, under his wings, as you take this journey. What astounds me, even after all these years serving Him, is that I am still amazed by His timing. I had you on my heart and mind the entire hour home, and then got online to find your post and I cant help but praise Him. I had wondered how you were doing of late and did not want to be intrusive. I want you to know, I pray for you frequently. This journey you are on is not an easy one, but for whatever reason, you are on it. I dont know if healing will come this side of heaven or not, but I can see that you have great strength and fortitude. You bless me and I will continue to pray as long as I have breath. Hold fast my friend. If I can stop by to greet and pray with you, I will. May He who holds you in the palm of his hands, give you all the tools you need for this journey. I pray you will find healing and rest.
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